We live in a dog eat dog world where people including family and friends struggle to be genuinely happy for others especially when it’s something they wanted for themselves.
That green eyed monster called envy can easily sneak into your heart and leave you hating on your friends’ success. Envy like fear (read my article on fear here ) https://www.abenayalley.com/blog/f-e-a-r is very powerful and a valid . It’s ok to be envious because hey! we’re human and susceptible to these things.
Maybe I’m built differently, but I have never or hardly get envious of a friends’ success, even if we wanted the same thing and they ended up getting it.
My coping mechanism is if they got it, all the better because a win for a friend is a win for me anyways. There is a different kind of joy rooting for others.
However, over a period of time I found out it’s not the same principle for a lot of others. This principle of mine was tried and tested in 2018.
Let me tell you a story about how to be happy for your friends even when you feel like your world is falling apart.
In Ghana, to be trained as a lawyer, you must first have an LLB degree, then sit for an entrance exams to study for the professional education. This entrance exams has become an albatross for LLB graduates because the system is fraught with so many discrepancies and systemic bottlenecks.
In 2018, during my final year in my final semester at GIMPA law faculty, my friend Matilda’s husband died suddenly around March. Matilda rightly so was distraught and inconsolable. She and her husband had flown to Germany from Ghana together and walked into the hospital for his scheduled surgery. She ended up walking out of the hospital and returned to Ghana alone. Its the most devastating experience for anyone not to talk about your partner for over 20years. This was in March, our final year final semester exams was scheduled to come off in May and the professional education exams in July so obviously the academic calendar was packed!
A tragic incident like that was certainly enough to destabilize even the strongest person. In a moment’s notice Matila had become a widow, a single parent to three young children and a destabilized final year student. My friend Matilda wanted to defer the program she had diligently studied for 3yrs and with just two months to completion, she was so bent on deferring till 2019 because she felt she wasn’t in the right frame of mind to complete. In as much as I understood her situation, I made her aware i didn’t agree with her decision. She felt she wouldn’t be adequately prepared for the final year final semester exams as well as the entrance exam. But oftentimes we underestimate our strength in the face of adversities when most of the time, all we need is a good support system. That’s exactly what I promised to give Matilda – a support system to go through her trying times. For the next four months, all I did was motivate and feed Matilda with important information and notes. There were days all she would do was cry and tell me, “Abena I can’t do this” and I would reply, “You don’t have to this alone, we are doing this together!” We sailed through the first exams in May and were yet to face the bigger one in July. Again Matilda said she had done enough by completing the LLB degree and asked that I allow her to rest and sit the entrance exams the next year (2019). She said after all, the entrance exam was the entrance exam was unpredictable and there was no assurance she would pass so why not rest her brains.
I told her, “No! we will write this year and if we don’t pass, we would try again in 2019.”
We wrote the exams in July. Funny enough even on the morning of the exam she still wanted to back out .We prayed and hugged and I encouraged her God had done it for her. When the results were released in September, guess who passed and who didn’t ? Yup ! Matilda was the one of the chosen few and I didn’t make it ! Can you imagine? Life has got a sense of humor huh ?
Naturally, as a human being you will feel discontent and a little angry because you would think to yourself but she didn’t even want it ! She didn’t even prepare hard for it , what kind of unfairness is this ? You would go through all these emotions and these feelings will actually be legitimate. But I was happy for Matilda!
“Supporting a friends success won’t dampen yours ”
I was ecstatic! She felt bad but I told her no, God knew she needed this more than. I was in Santorini when the results came out and it spoilt my whole mood (mentioned it here) https://www.abenayalley.com/blog/4o3mn9j8n1hq8a69eb6wrdmkocca31 but I was genuinely happy for her. I have been encouraging her right from 2018 till today.
Matilda would be called to the bar in October 2020 and Godwilling as long as I have life, I will definitely be there to celebrate her. Till today I’m still yet to gain admission, having written and failed to gain admission twice .
Friends being genuinely happy for their friends is so rare nowadays that we even have the term frenemy: a friend who’s an enemy in disguise because they got or have what you wanted.
My dear, I know it’s difficult to be happy for a friend when you both wanted the same thing but please it’s easier that way for you, your mental health and your friendship.
God always blesses a clean heart so don’t let the green eyed monster destroy a beautiful relationship.
Just be happy for them and be genuinely happy not fake happy and bitching behind them.
everything sugar,spice and sweet
AB
“You attract greatness by celebrating greatness. Envy is for the insecure ”
Your friends deserve the best version of you, support and love them, rather than envying them.
